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A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Weeks
Score
Dad
Minutes
Grow
Salamander
Week
Salamanders
Grows
Tail
Three
Tails

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Christopher Titus
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Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus
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There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.
Christopher Titus
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My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
Christopher Titus
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Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out!
Christopher Titus
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I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
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You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Christopher Titus
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My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.
Christopher Titus
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My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
Christopher Titus
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Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
Christopher Titus
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My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
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Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
Christopher Titus
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Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture it was helpful tips from the master.
Christopher Titus
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I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
Christopher Titus
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Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
Christopher Titus
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Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
Christopher Titus
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Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
Christopher Titus
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My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus
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I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
Christopher Titus
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Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Christopher Titus