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My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Take
Mom
Hour
Cost
Hours
Babysitters
Half
Babysitter
Understand
Bars
Used
Beer
Ever
Dad

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
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I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
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The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
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Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
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Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
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Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
Christopher Titus
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I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
Christopher Titus
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There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!
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My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
Christopher Titus
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If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Christopher Titus
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My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus
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This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.
Christopher Titus
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The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
Christopher Titus
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The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus
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I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
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Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
Christopher Titus
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Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
Christopher Titus
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Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
Christopher Titus
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They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won she made me live with Dad.
Christopher Titus
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The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus