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Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus
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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
People
Gotta
Yell
Birthday
Harbor
Surprise
Pearl
Happened
Harbors
Dies
Uncle
Party
Uncles
Many
Pearls
Men
Offensive
Massacres
More quotes by Christopher Titus
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.
Christopher Titus
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Christopher Titus
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
Christopher Titus
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
Christopher Titus
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
Christopher Titus
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
Christopher Titus
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
Christopher Titus
And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
Christopher Titus
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
Christopher Titus
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like never challenge Dad to a fist fight.
Christopher Titus
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.
Christopher Titus
I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
Christopher Titus
Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
Christopher Titus
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Christopher Titus
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
Christopher Titus
Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
Christopher Titus
