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There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Middle
Arrest
Family
Directly
Night
Calls
Every
Police
Mom
Seven
Members
Says

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
Christopher Titus
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Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
Christopher Titus
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Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus
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In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
Christopher Titus
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No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
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I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
Christopher Titus
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Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
Christopher Titus
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Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
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If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Christopher Titus
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If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
Christopher Titus
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Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
Christopher Titus
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The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!
Christopher Titus
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Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
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Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus
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Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Christopher Titus
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In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.
Christopher Titus
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I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.
Christopher Titus
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Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
Christopher Titus
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Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus
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Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Christopher Titus