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Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Takes
Extra
Maybe
Extras
Family
Hey
Never
Breaking
Time
Seconds
Busy
Gently
News
Kinda
Broken
Failures

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Christopher Titus
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I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Christopher Titus
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My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus
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When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
Christopher Titus
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Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
Christopher Titus
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If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus
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In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
Christopher Titus
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My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
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Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
Christopher Titus
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The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus
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Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus
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There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.
Christopher Titus
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You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Christopher Titus
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Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus
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Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
Christopher Titus
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Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus
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My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
Christopher Titus
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I don't believe in right or left I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Christopher Titus
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I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
Christopher Titus
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Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.
Christopher Titus