Quote

My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Never
Told
Thirty
Men
Father
Meat
Anything
Block
Hunk
Best
Shot
Buck
Human
Shots
Shield
Humans
Dad
Shields
Needs
Unless
Bucks
Years
Needed
Chooses

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
Christopher Titus
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Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
Christopher Titus
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I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like never challenge Dad to a fist fight.
Christopher Titus
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Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture it was helpful tips from the master.
Christopher Titus
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Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
Christopher Titus
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I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus
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Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus
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Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Christopher Titus
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I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
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Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
Christopher Titus
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Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
Christopher Titus
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My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?
Christopher Titus
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No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
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My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
Christopher Titus
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Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
Christopher Titus
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Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus
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Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Christopher Titus
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All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
Christopher Titus
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A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
Christopher Titus
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Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
Christopher Titus