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Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die and then some. Mom, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mom.
Christopher Titus
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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Kids
Anymore
Nothing
Gave
Mum
Real
Crazy
Sentence
Thinking
Parent
Hey
Life
Everybody
Forgive
Dies
Sentences
Funny
Forgiving
Born
Thinks
More quotes by Christopher Titus
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus
I don't believe in right or left I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Christopher Titus
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Christopher Titus
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Christopher Titus
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
Christopher Titus
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
Christopher Titus
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
Christopher Titus
If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.
Christopher Titus
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won she made me live with Dad.
Christopher Titus
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!
Christopher Titus
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Christopher Titus
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
Christopher Titus
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.
Christopher Titus
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like never challenge Dad to a fist fight.
Christopher Titus
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
Christopher Titus
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
Christopher Titus
