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Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.
Christopher Titus
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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Hell
Family
Cactus
Men
Lizards
Dirt
Hole
Texas
Holes
Bush
More quotes by Christopher Titus
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Christopher Titus
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Christopher Titus
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Christopher Titus
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
Christopher Titus
I don't believe in right or left I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Christopher Titus
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!
Christopher Titus
Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
Christopher Titus
Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.
Christopher Titus
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
Christopher Titus
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.
Christopher Titus
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture it was helpful tips from the master.
Christopher Titus
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Christopher Titus
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
Christopher Titus
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. 'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.
Christopher Titus
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Christopher Titus
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
Christopher Titus
