Quote

Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Hours
Martha
Show
Convicted
Next
Stewart
Shows
Scott
Another
Fishing
Hour
Felon
Gave
Peterson
Television
Felons

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
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I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
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A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
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The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
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Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.
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Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture it was helpful tips from the master.
Christopher Titus
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Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
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If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Christopher Titus
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I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
Christopher Titus
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My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
Christopher Titus
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Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
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Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus
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Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
Christopher Titus
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There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!
Christopher Titus
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Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus
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Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians of our country's history. Unfortunately, in America, we, you know, lock those elders away out of view in nursing homes and go about our little lives. It's a great national shame and an irredeemable tragedy. Oh well.
Christopher Titus
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My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus
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Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out!
Christopher Titus
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This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.
Christopher Titus
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I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Christopher Titus