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A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.
Christopher Titus
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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Family
Commonly
Held
Unless
Belief
Friends
Lying
More quotes by Christopher Titus
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
Christopher Titus
I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die and then some. Mom, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mom.
Christopher Titus
My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?
Christopher Titus
And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
Christopher Titus
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
Christopher Titus
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.
Christopher Titus
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Christopher Titus
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
Christopher Titus
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Christopher Titus
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
Christopher Titus
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
Christopher Titus
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
Christopher Titus
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus
