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A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Commonly
Held
Unless
Belief
Friends
Lying
Family

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
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The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Christopher Titus
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Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Christopher Titus
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They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won she made me live with Dad.
Christopher Titus
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No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
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Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
Christopher Titus
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Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus
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Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
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I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
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To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
Christopher Titus
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Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus
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There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.
Christopher Titus
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If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus
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I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus
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The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus
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Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Christopher Titus
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Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
Christopher Titus
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My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
Christopher Titus
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The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Christopher Titus
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Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
Christopher Titus