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Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
Christopher Titus
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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Illegal
Terrorist
Tells
Faults
Sorry
News
Foxes
Terrorists
Fault
More quotes by Christopher Titus
Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus
Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
Christopher Titus
I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.
Christopher Titus
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
Christopher Titus
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Christopher Titus
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Christopher Titus
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. 'I don't want people not taking me serious.' Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on.
Christopher Titus
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Christopher Titus
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
Christopher Titus
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
Christopher Titus
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
Christopher Titus
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
Christopher Titus
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won she made me live with Dad.
Christopher Titus
