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Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus
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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Dollars
Head
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Psychiatrist
Screws
More quotes by Christopher Titus
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
Christopher Titus
Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
Christopher Titus
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Christopher Titus
Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out!
Christopher Titus
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
Christopher Titus
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
Christopher Titus
Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
Christopher Titus
Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
Christopher Titus
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
Christopher Titus
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.
Christopher Titus
And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
Christopher Titus
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like never challenge Dad to a fist fight.
Christopher Titus
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
Christopher Titus
