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Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Lady
Noise
Laugh
Laughing
Make
Shaker
Shakers
Freaking

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus
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Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Christopher Titus
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The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Christopher Titus
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The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus
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My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.
Christopher Titus
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I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Christopher Titus
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Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Christopher Titus
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My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Christopher Titus
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Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
Christopher Titus
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I'm thinking of a presidential bid currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
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Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.
Christopher Titus
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Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
Christopher Titus
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If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus
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All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
Christopher Titus
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They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won she made me live with Dad.
Christopher Titus
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Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
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My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
Christopher Titus
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Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
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My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
Christopher Titus
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I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.
Christopher Titus