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The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Christopher Titus

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Christopher Titus
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: October 1
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Producer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Christopher Todd Titus
Ever
Liar
Thing
Liars
Made
Honor
Make
Please
Minutes
Wife
Called
Five
Beater

More quotes by Christopher Titus

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I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph.
Christopher Titus
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I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
Christopher Titus
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Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Christopher Titus
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Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
Christopher Titus
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Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
Christopher Titus
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Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
Christopher Titus
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Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die and then some. Mom, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mom.
Christopher Titus
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Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
Christopher Titus
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Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus
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My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Christopher Titus
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My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
Christopher Titus
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I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.
Christopher Titus
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In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
Christopher Titus
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The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Christopher Titus
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We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Christopher Titus
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I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus
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I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
Christopher Titus
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Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
Christopher Titus
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The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus
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My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Christopher Titus