I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.

I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

You gotta fight for your right to vote!

I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

Basically, I only play one character I just play him at different volumes.

In the land of the skunk the man with half a nose is king!

First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.

Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.