In the land of the skunk the man with half a nose is king!

I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.

You gotta fight for your right to vote!

Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.

Everybody laughs when fatty falls down.

Basically, I only play one character I just play him at different volumes.

The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.

I used to think that you could get to a level of success where the laws of the universe didn't apply. But they do. It's still life on life's terms, not on movie-star terms. I still have to work at relationships. I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.

I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.

I still have to work on my weight and some of my other demons.