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This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

Chic Murray

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Chic Murray
Age: 65 †
Born: 1919
Born: November 6
Died: 1985
Died: January 29
Actor
Comedian
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Charles Thomas McKinnon Murray
Funny
Mines
Prams
Woman
Mine
Rented
Father
Later
Hired
Mother
Friend
Lifted
Money
Humor
Upbringing
Ever
Terrible
Pushed
Since
Feed
Came
Push
Pram

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A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
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My parents never understood me they were Japanese.
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The boat was so old it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
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I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. Is it Scotch?, I asked. Why? the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?. In that case, have you got any wild duck?. No, he responded, but I've got one I could aggravate for you.
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I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
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I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.
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A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
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I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. What do you want?, she asked. I want to stay here, I replied. Well, stay there then, she said and closed the window.
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She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
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It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
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I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
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My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
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A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.
Chic Murray
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So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked 'What's the matter? Did you fall over? So I said No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it.
Chic Murray
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After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
Chic Murray
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I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
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My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
Chic Murray
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I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
Chic Murray
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I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.
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If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
Chic Murray