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We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV. I don't think either one is an exaggerated version. You just have to be who you are.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
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Television Actor
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Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
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More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
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Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. As far as sticking to your guns, I think there is no better advice than to just find something that you really give a s - about and then go do it.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
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He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
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I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
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I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.
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It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.
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Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
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You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
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... some of the best sex I can barely remember.
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
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Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
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I think being able to have follow-through, I think a lot of people who are in charge, that is the one quality that you can't forsake. You can get opinions, but you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen when you're envisioning something.
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I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
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