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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Hear
Lying
Ends
Truth
Things
People
Shading
Adults
Telling

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I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
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Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. As far as sticking to your guns, I think there is no better advice than to just find something that you really give a s - about and then go do it.
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Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
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For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren't necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you're dealing with and don't have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
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Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
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Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
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... some of the best sex I can barely remember.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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