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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
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Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
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More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
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You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
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In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
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There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
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I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
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I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
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I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
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