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I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Cook
Cooks
Clean
Chance
May
Good
Alcoholic
Alcoholics

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
Chelsea Handler
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I haven't been manipulated. I did a documentary in prison years ago because I was so f - ed off with those lazy bastards in their bed for 18 hours a day, five dishes a day on a menu to choose from, playing soccer every day, going to the gym, watching movies.
Chelsea Handler
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
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I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
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