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I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Alcoholics
Cook
Cooks
Clean
Chance
May
Good
Alcoholic

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.
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Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
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Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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We women have to stick together.
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The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
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You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
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[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.
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According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest in public school, you learn from your teacher and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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