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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
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Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
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Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Weeks
Gonna
Taylor
Theory
Swift
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Break
Virgins
Everyone
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More quotes by Chelsea Handler
It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren't necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you're dealing with and don't have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do.
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It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
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This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
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You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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