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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Everyone
Breaks
Two
Date
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Dating
Weeks
Gonna
Taylor
Theory
Swift
Week
Virgin
Break
Virgins
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
Chelsea Handler
There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.
Chelsea Handler
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.
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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
Chelsea Handler
My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
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Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
Chelsea Handler
According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
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If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
Chelsea Handler
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler
I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
Chelsea Handler
When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
Chelsea Handler
A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
Chelsea Handler
