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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Travolta
Assaults
Assault
John
Wings
Gets
Every
Time
Scientologist

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.
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When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
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No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
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I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
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For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren't necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you're dealing with and don't have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do.
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It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close I can do that at home.
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony.
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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
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You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
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