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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Assaults
Assault
John
Wings
Gets
Every
Time
Scientologist
Travolta
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
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We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close I can do that at home.
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I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
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We women have to stick together.
Chelsea Handler
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Chelsea Handler
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
Chelsea Handler
