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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
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Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Parent
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Father
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Apology
People
Except
Parents
Dead
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
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They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
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