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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Date
Dating
Mouth
Mouths
Open
Anyone

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
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I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
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You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
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They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
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I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
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I think being able to have follow-through, I think a lot of people who are in charge, that is the one quality that you can't forsake. You can get opinions, but you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen when you're envisioning something.
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
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We're not actors, we're people behaving like ourselves on TV. We're both [me and Gordon Ramsay] exactly who we are on TV. I don't think either one is an exaggerated version. You just have to be who you are.
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
Chelsea Handler