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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Mouths
Open
Anyone
Date
Dating
Mouth

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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There should be a talent that goes along with being famous.
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Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
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We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest.
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He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
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I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.
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I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'
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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
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A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.
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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
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I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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