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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Mouths
Open
Anyone
Date
Dating
Mouth

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
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We women have to stick together.
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You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
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Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.
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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
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I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
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If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler