Quote

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Give
Bores
Itch
Giving
Rhyme
Hint
People
Repeat
Cable
Repeats
Cables
Basic
Hunt
Tend
Hints
Names
Bore
Call
Hunts

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close I can do that at home.
Chelsea Handler
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Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
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You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
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We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest.
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Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.
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I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.
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Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
Chelsea Handler
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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
Chelsea Handler
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I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
Chelsea Handler
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
Chelsea Handler
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Chelsea Handler
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
Chelsea Handler
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Chelsea Handler
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I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
Chelsea Handler
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
Chelsea Handler
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
Chelsea Handler
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
Chelsea Handler