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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Point
Exclamation
Popping
Veins
Neck
Necks

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
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According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Chelsea Handler
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I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
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I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
Chelsea Handler
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I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
Chelsea Handler
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
Chelsea Handler
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We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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