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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
People
Disagree
Car
Guy
Back
Right
Way
Think
Thinking

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
Chelsea Handler
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
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As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.
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It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.
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A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
Chelsea Handler
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I haven't been manipulated. I did a documentary in prison years ago because I was so f - ed off with those lazy bastards in their bed for 18 hours a day, five dishes a day on a menu to choose from, playing soccer every day, going to the gym, watching movies.
Chelsea Handler
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Chelsea Handler
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
Chelsea Handler
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Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That's 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
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This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
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When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
Chelsea Handler
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I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
Chelsea Handler
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
Chelsea Handler
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The important thing is to be drunk.
Chelsea Handler
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I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Chelsea Handler
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
Chelsea Handler
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
Chelsea Handler
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
Chelsea Handler
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Chelsea Handler