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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
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Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
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Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
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Foreigners
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Foreigner
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
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Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
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People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
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Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
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We women have to stick together.
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
Chelsea Handler
