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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
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Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Team
Hard
Catcher
Catchers
Softball
Pitcher
Gay
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
Chelsea Handler
I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.
Chelsea Handler
If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
Chelsea Handler
People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.
Chelsea Handler
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
Chelsea Handler
Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
Chelsea Handler
I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
Chelsea Handler
Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
Chelsea Handler
Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
Chelsea Handler
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
Chelsea Handler
I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
Chelsea Handler
He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
Chelsea Handler
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
Chelsea Handler
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler
You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
Chelsea Handler
The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
Chelsea Handler
I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
Chelsea Handler
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
Chelsea Handler
People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
Chelsea Handler
I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
Chelsea Handler
