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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
School
Take
Trapper
Going
Keeper
Keepers
Weed
Fresh
Everyone
Keep
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
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I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
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I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
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Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
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I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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I like to just follow what I find compelling. In order for me to be compelling, I have to be compelled. I don't try to think about what people are interested in seeing, I have to be interested. For me, that works the best.
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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
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No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
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Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
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I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
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My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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