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I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
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Words

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
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If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
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I haven't been manipulated. I did a documentary in prison years ago because I was so f - ed off with those lazy bastards in their bed for 18 hours a day, five dishes a day on a menu to choose from, playing soccer every day, going to the gym, watching movies.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
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I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.
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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
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Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
Chelsea Handler
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
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I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
Chelsea Handler