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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Wonder
Ever
Never
Alcoholics
Life
Badly
People
Meeting
Meetings
Drink
Needed

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According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest in public school, you learn from your teacher and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.
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When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
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My life and my legs have been an open book.
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We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close I can do that at home.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
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Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
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I had to sit down and explain to [her friend] that AA was for quitters
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
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Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
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They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
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Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
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According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
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No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
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