Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
Chelsea Handler
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Ecstasy
Tough
Cutting
Economic
Everybody
Times
Three
Back
Tabs
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
Chelsea Handler
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Chelsea Handler
You've got guys on freeways with motorbikes with no helmets on, you can't drink until you're 21 and we wonder why so many youth are smoking f - ing cannabis, and you can start driving here at 15. How f - ed up is that?
Chelsea Handler
Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!
Chelsea Handler
People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
Chelsea Handler
Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
Chelsea Handler
But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Chelsea Handler
Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.
Chelsea Handler
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
Chelsea Handler
I haven't been manipulated. I did a documentary in prison years ago because I was so f - ed off with those lazy bastards in their bed for 18 hours a day, five dishes a day on a menu to choose from, playing soccer every day, going to the gym, watching movies.
Chelsea Handler
The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
Chelsea Handler
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Chelsea Handler
Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.
Chelsea Handler
I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.
Chelsea Handler
I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything
Chelsea Handler
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Chelsea Handler
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea Handler
As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.
Chelsea Handler
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Chelsea Handler
My life and my legs have been an open book.
Chelsea Handler