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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Coke
Trust
Dealer

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
Chelsea Handler
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
Chelsea Handler
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Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
Chelsea Handler
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Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
Chelsea Handler
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
Chelsea Handler
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[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.
Chelsea Handler
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Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.
Chelsea Handler
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I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
Chelsea Handler
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Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
Chelsea Handler
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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
Chelsea Handler
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
Chelsea Handler
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Chelsea Handler
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
Chelsea Handler
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That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka.
Chelsea Handler
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I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
Chelsea Handler
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A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.
Chelsea Handler
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
Chelsea Handler
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My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
Chelsea Handler
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
Chelsea Handler
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Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
Chelsea Handler