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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Bacon
Tell
Better
Nothing
Make
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
Chelsea Handler
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.
Chelsea Handler
You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
Chelsea Handler
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Chelsea Handler
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
Chelsea Handler
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Chelsea Handler
Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. As far as sticking to your guns, I think there is no better advice than to just find something that you really give a s - about and then go do it.
Chelsea Handler
There's a difference between watching a chef show, which doesn't feel like a reality show compared to the Housewives. Those shows can, I think, not only lower your IQ, but really just knock the wind out of you, because we're all here in this business.
Chelsea Handler
You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
Chelsea Handler
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
Chelsea Handler
It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.
Chelsea Handler
There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
Chelsea Handler
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
Chelsea Handler
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
Chelsea Handler
I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.
Chelsea Handler
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
Chelsea Handler
According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
Chelsea Handler
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
Chelsea Handler
Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
Chelsea Handler
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
Chelsea Handler