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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Better
Nothing
Make
Bacon
Tell

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
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In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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... some of the best sex I can barely remember.
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A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
Chelsea Handler
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
Chelsea Handler
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
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My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.
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I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Chelsea Handler
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
Chelsea Handler
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It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.
Chelsea Handler
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I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea Handler
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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
Chelsea Handler
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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
Chelsea Handler
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
Chelsea Handler
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Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.
Chelsea Handler
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
Chelsea Handler