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Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don't do meth, but maybe if they called meth 'Stefanie' I would!
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Would
Cute
Drugs
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Maybe
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Things
Meth
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
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Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
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Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
Chelsea Handler
