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You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
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Closet
Closets
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Janitors
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
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I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.
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You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.
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We women have to stick together.
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Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Chelsea Handler
Before any exposure on TV, I'm a real chef.
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Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
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I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
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Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Chelsea Handler
It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.
Chelsea Handler
