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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Embarrassing
Repeat
Repeats
Dirty
Sure
Talk
Nothing
Make

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
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People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
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When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.
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I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
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I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.
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I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.
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I like to just follow what I find compelling. In order for me to be compelling, I have to be compelled. I don't try to think about what people are interested in seeing, I have to be interested. For me, that works the best.
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
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You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
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The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
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I don't want to be Oprah [Winfrey], I'm not trying to be Barbara Walters, but we can all do better.
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I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.
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I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.
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I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Chelsea Handler