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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Dirty
Sure
Talk
Nothing
Make
Embarrassing
Repeat
Repeats

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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
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I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
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We women have to stick together.
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It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
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I'll tell you what can make bacon better... nothing.
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They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
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The important thing is to be drunk.
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I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.
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People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
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People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
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We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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