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I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Dog
Never
Would
Men
Sell
Sells
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But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
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Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl
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You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it.
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
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I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
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In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
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My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
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A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
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People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, No, I don't. Because I wouldn't have just one kid I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.
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I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.
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You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
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