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I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.
Chelsea Handler
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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Sell
Sells
Dog
Never
Would
Men
More quotes by Chelsea Handler
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
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If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself.
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Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
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I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?
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Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
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When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?
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You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.
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A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
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I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
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I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
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I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
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Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
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I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little.
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Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.
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I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
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I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.
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I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.
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