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First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Asshole
Actor
Humor
Actors
Funny
Firsts
First

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
Chelsea Handler
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I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
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I'm not going to blow up just for the sake of it, because it's on TV. That's not the issue.
Chelsea Handler
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The only reason I think I would marry a foreigner would be to have kids with weird accents.
Chelsea Handler
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I definitely don't want to have kids ... I don't think I'd be a great mother. I'm a great aunt or friend of a mother ... I don't want to spend that kind of time. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have time to raise a child.
Chelsea Handler
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
Chelsea Handler
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No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.
Chelsea Handler
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... some of the best sex I can barely remember.
Chelsea Handler
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As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me.
Chelsea Handler
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You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.
Chelsea Handler
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If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?
Chelsea Handler
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Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea Handler
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I think being able to have follow-through, I think a lot of people who are in charge, that is the one quality that you can't forsake. You can get opinions, but you can't have too many cooks in the kitchen when you're envisioning something.
Chelsea Handler
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Chelsea Handler
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You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.
Chelsea Handler
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Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'
Chelsea Handler
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Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
Chelsea Handler
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
Chelsea Handler
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According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it's from your priest in public school, you learn from your teacher and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.
Chelsea Handler
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I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.
Chelsea Handler