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If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

Chelsea Handler

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Chelsea Handler
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: February 25
Actor
Autobiographer
Biographer
Comedian
Film Actor
Scuba Diver
Television Actor
Television Producer
Writer
Livingston
New Jersey
Chelsea Joy Handler
Humor
Funny
Someone
Letter
Letters
Took

More quotes by Chelsea Handler

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Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Chelsea Handler
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The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
Chelsea Handler
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There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Chelsea Handler
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Women don't have to be jealous of other women.
Chelsea Handler
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Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
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I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.
Chelsea Handler
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Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.
Chelsea Handler
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Rumer Willis was having a great time at the opening of a club when her twin walked in, also known as her dad, Bruce Willis. How embarrassing for her, she's out with her friends and they're like, 'Umm, Rumer, I think your dad put something in my drink.'
Chelsea Handler
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According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
Chelsea Handler
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I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.
Chelsea Handler
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Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
Chelsea Handler
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To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’
Chelsea Handler
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I think it's important to be authentic to who you are, and if you're inauthentic at all, people smell that from a mile away.
Chelsea Handler
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I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
Chelsea Handler
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I want to start saying bad words all the time!
Chelsea Handler
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People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.
Chelsea Handler
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The important thing is to be drunk.
Chelsea Handler
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Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.
Chelsea Handler
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I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!
Chelsea Handler
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You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU
Chelsea Handler